unstoppable force vs immovable object
Like a deer in headlights, I saw it coming as my semester was winding down. I needed to keep pushing. There's money riding on my education.
I think I'm burnt out. I used up every bit of energy just to get over the finish line. Bringing myself to care was tough, but ignoring whatever is inside of me that wants to create was even harder. Now, I'm paying the price - I'm utterly miserable when I'm not doing something.
For a long time, I thought that was part of being an 'artist'. It isn't; not for me I think. I just found a way to cope, and I became very good at it.
So, now that hard work's inertia has caught up with me, incapacitated me (temporarily), I'm painfully aware that the stuff I've been making right now is ... pretty bad.
There is a silver lining though. I've got clear eyes. Looking at my old drawings, scraps of writing ... I enjoy them. If I did it once, I can do it again.
"It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here." - James Baldwin, The Price of the Ticket